Coming soon . . .

I will have the next blog entry, entitled Friends, Siblings, and the Deep South, up in the near future. Stay tuned. . .

For the Record

I'm still not pregnant. And, since half the county seems to know my ovulation calendar anyway, we have stopped trying. Not because we're quitters or because we're pouting, but because I have 3 blessings that need me not obsessed with the next blessing. Thanks for praying.

I will (not)

~I will not become obsessed with my miscarriage.
~I will not lose the ability to feel joys for others.
~I will not live in fear that something else is going to happen.
~I will not continually talk about my baby in heaven.
~I will not lose my sense of humor.
~I will not hold on to the hurt from the thoughtless.
~I will not repay evil for evil.
~I will not be angry with God.
~I will not always wonder why.

~I will choose to continue with my life.
~I will have more children- even if they all go to the Lord before I meet them.
~I will raise my kids to love the Lord so they can see their sibling for eternity.
~I will praise Him.
~I will be better for the struggle.
~I will enjoy the heights so much more since I am aware of the valleys.
~I will live today to its fullest.
~I will continue to be madly in love with my life and eternally thankful for all of it!

The wave of anger has passed

for now.


My baby is in Heaven praising the Lord. I am joining in here.

I want my baby back.

I know that I don't usually use semi-naughty words like "sucks," but sometimes those words just apply. This totally sucks. I miscarried my baby. I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel about this. Friday night- I was happily pregnant with number 4. Saturday morning- the doctors tell me the baby has been dead for weeks. Sunday night- I "pass" everything. (Side note: I hate the term "pass". You pass a kidney stone. Peyton Manning passes for a touchdown. You don't pass a dear sweet baby who never got a chance to breathe on his own.) How one weekend can pick up your life and put it on a different track! It's horrifying.

I want my baby back.

The only thing worse than the miscarriage are the stupid people. People who tell you in the ER while they are scraping the rest of your placenta out that this one couple has been to the ER 3 times with false labor, but now they are actually having the baby. . . Great for them. . . Now SHUT UP. Or the people who compare it to losing a pet. Or the people who seemed pleased that now your schedule has freed up so they can plan stuff for you to do. I want my baby back. I don't want to go to some stinkin' family reunion. I have to die to be reunited with all of MY family.
And then there are the friends and family that don't call at all.

Yes, I get that this isn't the same as losing one of my living children. If God would have come down from on High, and asked me which child I wanted to lose, I would have picked the same way He did. But it still sucks! What might have been is a hard world to live in.

I am thankful that I have faith in the Higher Power. Can't imagine what people say to themselves who don't have faith. At least I know Whom to yell at. What can I say, I'm honest. (I have seen first hand through all of this that God is Awesome, and Loving, and Merciful. I know He answers prayer. I'm still hurting. And I still want my baby back.) And I'm angry. And I'm sad.

I'm also afraid. Who is God taking next? All I want is my baby back.

This is a Test.

Let's see who actually reads my blog.


I'm pregnant,




but don't tell anyone ;)

Deep Thoughts from a Little Girl

Sometimes I forget Chloe is a child. Though she is my oldest, and just turned 6, she is truly a child. A child with a very old soul. Her sweet, compliant personality often hides the depth of her thoughts. Thoughts that, in this mamma's opinion, are too heavy for someone so small.

Friday night, I was out for the evening so Daddy was in charge. This is not so uncommon as to cause me concern, but uncommon enough that I called when I was on my way home to check that everything had gone smoothly.

Tony said, "I had an interesting conversation with Chloe." This can mean a lot of things. She often asks really bizarre things. She often asks really silly things. More frequently, she asks questions that blow our minds. Tonight was one of those nights. Since Tony is her preferred source Biblical information, I rarely get the questions that would bring me to a puddle of tears. This is good for everyone.
She first asked him if we were all going to die at the same time. (Reminder: This is the child who wanted to ask Jesus into her heart, but wasn't ready to die. It took us about 8 months to make her understand that asking Jesus into her heart wasn't a death sentence.) Daddy said that he did not know for sure, but that we would likely not all die at the same time. She then asked him who would die first.

Now, this is not a conversation that I would want to have with my 6 year old, but Tony's strength is answering her questions in a manner that will be honest, but not frightening. So he explains that likely Chloe will live longer than Mommy and Daddy.
Then she brings out the question that still brings tears to my eyes. She asks him, "Daddy, if we don't all die at the same time, how will I know how to find you when I get to Heaven?" Tony simply explained that she need not worry because when she got to Heaven we would be waiting for her, and God would work out all the details. The perfect answer from a great Dad.