~I will not become obsessed with my miscarriage.
~I will not lose the ability to feel joys for others.
~I will not live in fear that something else is going to happen.
~I will not continually talk about my baby in heaven.
~I will not lose my sense of humor.
~I will not hold on to the hurt from the thoughtless.
~I will not repay evil for evil.
~I will not be angry with God.
~I will not always wonder why.
~I will choose to continue with my life.
~I will have more children- even if they all go to the Lord before I meet them.
~I will raise my kids to love the Lord so they can see their sibling for eternity.
~I will praise Him.
~I will be better for the struggle.
~I will enjoy the heights so much more since I am aware of the valleys.
~I will live today to its fullest.
~I will continue to be madly in love with my life and eternally thankful for all of it!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I want my baby back.
I know that I don't usually use semi-naughty words like "sucks," but sometimes those words just apply. This totally sucks. I miscarried my baby. I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel about this. Friday night- I was happily pregnant with number 4. Saturday morning- the doctors tell me the baby has been dead for weeks. Sunday night- I "pass" everything. (Side note: I hate the term "pass". You pass a kidney stone. Peyton Manning passes for a touchdown. You don't pass a dear sweet baby who never got a chance to breathe on his own.) How one weekend can pick up your life and put it on a different track! It's horrifying.
I want my baby back.
The only thing worse than the miscarriage are the stupid people. People who tell you in the ER while they are scraping the rest of your placenta out that this one couple has been to the ER 3 times with false labor, but now they are actually having the baby. . . Great for them. . . Now SHUT UP. Or the people who compare it to losing a pet. Or the people who seemed pleased that now your schedule has freed up so they can plan stuff for you to do. I want my baby back. I don't want to go to some stinkin' family reunion. I have to die to be reunited with all of MY family.
And then there are the friends and family that don't call at all.
Yes, I get that this isn't the same as losing one of my living children. If God would have come down from on High, and asked me which child I wanted to lose, I would have picked the same way He did. But it still sucks! What might have been is a hard world to live in.
I am thankful that I have faith in the Higher Power. Can't imagine what people say to themselves who don't have faith. At least I know Whom to yell at. What can I say, I'm honest. (I have seen first hand through all of this that God is Awesome, and Loving, and Merciful. I know He answers prayer. I'm still hurting. And I still want my baby back.) And I'm angry. And I'm sad.
I'm also afraid. Who is God taking next? All I want is my baby back.
I want my baby back.
The only thing worse than the miscarriage are the stupid people. People who tell you in the ER while they are scraping the rest of your placenta out that this one couple has been to the ER 3 times with false labor, but now they are actually having the baby. . . Great for them. . . Now SHUT UP. Or the people who compare it to losing a pet. Or the people who seemed pleased that now your schedule has freed up so they can plan stuff for you to do. I want my baby back. I don't want to go to some stinkin' family reunion. I have to die to be reunited with all of MY family.
And then there are the friends and family that don't call at all.
Yes, I get that this isn't the same as losing one of my living children. If God would have come down from on High, and asked me which child I wanted to lose, I would have picked the same way He did. But it still sucks! What might have been is a hard world to live in.
I am thankful that I have faith in the Higher Power. Can't imagine what people say to themselves who don't have faith. At least I know Whom to yell at. What can I say, I'm honest. (I have seen first hand through all of this that God is Awesome, and Loving, and Merciful. I know He answers prayer. I'm still hurting. And I still want my baby back.) And I'm angry. And I'm sad.
I'm also afraid. Who is God taking next? All I want is my baby back.
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