I know that I don't usually use semi-naughty words like "sucks," but sometimes those words just apply. This totally sucks. I miscarried my baby. I cannot even begin to tell you how I feel about this. Friday night- I was happily pregnant with number 4. Saturday morning- the doctors tell me the baby has been dead for weeks. Sunday night- I "pass" everything. (Side note: I hate the term "pass". You pass a kidney stone. Peyton Manning passes for a touchdown. You don't pass a dear sweet baby who never got a chance to breathe on his own.) How one weekend can pick up your life and put it on a different track! It's horrifying.
I want my baby back.
The only thing worse than the miscarriage are the stupid people. People who tell you in the ER while they are scraping the rest of your placenta out that this one couple has been to the ER 3 times with false labor, but now they are actually having the baby. . . Great for them. . . Now SHUT UP. Or the people who compare it to losing a pet. Or the people who seemed pleased that now your schedule has freed up so they can plan stuff for you to do. I want my baby back. I don't want to go to some stinkin' family reunion. I have to die to be reunited with all of MY family.
And then there are the friends and family that don't call at all.
Yes, I get that this isn't the same as losing one of my living children. If God would have come down from on High, and asked me which child I wanted to lose, I would have picked the same way He did. But it still sucks! What might have been is a hard world to live in.
I am thankful that I have faith in the Higher Power. Can't imagine what people say to themselves who don't have faith. At least I know Whom to yell at. What can I say, I'm honest. (I have seen first hand through all of this that God is Awesome, and Loving, and Merciful. I know He answers prayer. I'm still hurting. And I still want my baby back.) And I'm angry. And I'm sad.
I'm also afraid. Who is God taking next? All I want is my baby back.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I pray that God will soothe this ache in your soul as only He can.
Dear, dear Lisa....am home sick today and griping that I did not get to sub when they called (like it really will matter in all eternity); so as per usual am wasting time on facebook and came across your blog ~ k, being also technically challenged and out of the loop, am not exactly really sure what a blog IS, lol,...but have read all of your notes and have laughed at the '08 ones -- you have such a way with words (of course) that I am thinking that you should definitely be a WRITER!!
BUT -- altho we were never really close friends (I always felt terribly old, like a mother figure, lol!) ~ I am now sitting here sobbing after reading your entry from today -- your words are so profound and REAL....such raw pain and emotion put so beautifully (now I fear I am about to wax a bit incoherent); but I think the reason you have touched my heart is that we lost 2 grandbabies in the last few months in miscarriage also. Funny, it is hard to think of grandchildren who "might have been" as our grandchildren; but, yes, I believe that I am finally grieving their loss also because they were, indeed, SOULS now safe in the arms of Jesus...
Aarrgghhh -- it is so easy to say you will pray for someone and then go about your merry way and forget all about their pain...God bless you for sharing your heart -I pray my response has not made you feel worse :-{
May God the Comforter wrap His arms of love around you now ~ do remember that He is always in control and He is always good!
Lisa - I wish I had words...
Just know I'm praying for you & your family
Lisa, thanks for sharing. I wish I could say something or do something that would bring you comfort. God is with you all, and He will never leave you. I'm crying with you, even though I'm halfway across the country.
By the way, I think I would have kicked those people in the face if they had said that stuff to me. :o) Ok, so you know I'm a big talker. But, Brett might have for me.
Meghan
Praying for you. Thank you for sharing.
*HUGS*
Post a Comment